Although my departure from the Hawthorn football club was very much left on good terms.. great terms in fact – it none the less left me in limbo when it came to how I wanted to further my footballing career. One of the few benefits I had during my time in rehab for my previous knee reconstructions was the fact I was able to build connections and network bases that allowed my transition from football (being my job) into the another occupation that would allow me to support the commitments and opportunities that I was able to build during my time in the AFL environment. Those commitments and opportunities that were presented to me during those privileged years at the Hawthorn football were very much a bi-product of the hard work and effort that were put in during my time there and it was definitely something I wanted to sustain. Although I was unable to present myself consistently on field in the brown and gold.. I absolutely never took for granted the time I had represented the Hawks off field. Looking for a new football home was not going to be an easy task for me but it was one I was looking forward to as I was very much keen and persistent in continuing to play the game I love.
*Click on picture for Hawthorn/Box Hill Highlights 2012-2016
There was a bout a 2-3 month period where I was hopefully of receiving a lifeline in the form of another AFL football club taking a chance on me in the AFL Rookie Draft however I was met with no luck. I was grateful however to the clubs that did consider me, that did look at my footballing profile and the clubs that allowed me to be interviewed whether that was over the phone or in person. At the end of the day their transparency and reasoning behind why they simply couldn’t take the risk was more than clear to me – overall my ‘football resume’ didn’t look all that appealing on paper with my injury history and the want for clubs to see me get through a year of football unscathed and with continuity was the consistent feedback I was receiving which made a lot of sense; although my form when I did play was of good quality – I simply hadn’t shown enough of that because of my knee injuries. The challenge was set and once the draft periods ended I looked towards the VFL system to find myself a new home. To receives offers far and wide from football clubs outside of the AFL system was honestly flattering – from football teams based in Western Australia to New South Wales, from South Australia to Queensland - it was overwhelming to me that there were a quite a few football clubs from interstate teams wanting my services for their respective clubs.
I was grateful for such welcoming gestures however I was set on wanting to stay in Victoria for a number of reasons: I had organised a job in the CBD which would allow me to further the pathway I wanted to take from my studies which encompassed property knowledge and helping those requiring a home loan (Mortgage Broking), my current living arrangement at the time was fairly close to the CBD as well so in terms of logistics it just made sense to focus in on a footy club within the VFL whilst I had set up my working and living arrangements in Melbourne.. finally I thought the opportunity to play with and against AFL listed players presented to best chance for me to present to some potential suitors that I could match it with those listed players. I was set on staying in the VFL and it was now just up to me to choose my home.
The final decision to choose the Collingwood Football was one that I did have to ponder one for a while as again I was flattered by the offers presented to me by VFL football clubs wanting me to play for them, however my choice to play for Collingwood was a choice that sat very comfortably with me. One of my best friends (Jordan Kelly; who I shared my draft experience with at the Hawks) was playing for the Collingwood VFL team, my U18s coach from Sandringham (Dale Tapping) had previously coached for the VFL team and was a big advocate for their program, I had a Noble Park connection there with Adam Treloar being a star of the competition in the black and white, the thought of still being able to utilise AFL facilities and learn AFL systems and structures really appealed to me and the want from Collingwood to have me as well was really enticing as well; they had been the first club to contact me and left a lasting impression throughout the decision process. I was happy to don the Black and White I looked forward to playing the game I loved for them in the upcoming season.
Photo: First Day @ a New Football Home
My first pre season with the VFL pies was interesting and very much an adjustment period to say the least as I had to get used to a new regime and programme; something I was open to and very much willing to adopt however admittedly something I was hesitant about as well since my mind and body had gotten used to training and preparing a certain way for many years during my time at Hawthorn. The introduction to my new teammates was seamless – I was grateful that the club embraced me and saw me as one of them from the outset; Collingwood had established a strong comradery amongst the playing group that allowed new comers to feel apart of the group straight away. As my body adjusted to new rigours and my mindset sank in where I felt I could provide leadership and feedback where I could during drills and meetings; I was enjoying my new footballing home with the Collingwood VFL team. As practice games approached and the season was on the horizon, I felt I had put behind me a good body of work during the pre season and was ready to play games without holding back when they finally came around. During the first couple of games I was playing at a standard that I was accustomed to and I was putting in effort that was warranting of the feeling I was improving as each game passed by during these scratch matches against other VFL and local teams. Although some of the game results did not go our way; I was understanding my teammates around me and I felt I was gaining their trust as well.
Unfortunately in one of the early rounds of this season (2017) my knee gave way against the Sandringham Zebras @ Trevor Barker Oval - an oval I was all too familiar with having played all over my TAC Cup U16s & U18s at. The feeling was subtle but recognizable.. my right boot had gotten stuck in the ground whilst I was running and a slight push to my hips created a force through my knee which was situational and specific but enough to cause my graft to tear in the reconstructed right knee. I walked off the ground and looked up at the coaches box as I shook my head as I knew something was wrong. During the quarter time break I was testing my knee out to try and get back on to the field to play but again the feeling of discomfort and ‘something not quite being right’.. the feeling of my knee being unstable was evident. I was not in pain but by the half time break my knee had swelled up and was needing ice and compression to ease the heat and swelling. The following Monday I would find out officially that my graft had disintegrated and I was once again out of luck for I needed a fourth knee reconstruction to my right knee. I remember making the phone calls to my friends and family that were closest to me as I broke down in my car in disbelief – I knew on the weekend that my knee had sustained damage but I held out hope that it wasn’t the worse.. having all that confirmed after my scan and consultation on Monday was such a dreadful feeling; I was once again in a space (both mentally and physically) where I would be tested.
Having been dealt another damning blow of requiring another right knee reconstruction; I was in no real rush to get the procedure done and had scheduled the surgery a couple of weeks post injury instead of getting in straight away which I usually preferred. Returning to football was no longer a priority to me as I needed a fair bit of time for this to sink in and allow myself to mentally settle before facing another bout of surgery and another stint of being crippled for a week or so. As surgery came around there was an agreement between myself and my surgeon (Julian Feller who had repaired all of my other ACL injuries) that a right quadricep graft would be the next ligament to take and repair with – it was meant to be quite similar to the hamstring grafts that I had endured in the past in terms of recovery time and feel and it was very much like that as once the surgery was completed I was able to get back on my feet fairly quickly and walk around; although gingerly, it was apparent that I would be able to be mobile a lot quicker than predicted which would help my mental and ability to work as well. As mentioned. Returning to playing during this time was not a priority in any means straight after surgery as I was very much focused on returning to work and doing my rehab outside of those hours where I could fit it in and where it would be convenient and non-baring on me and my commitments off the field. This obviously brought challenges but the peace of my I was gaining regarding the no pressure approach I had accepted was beneficial as well; I had gone through the injury and the recovery phases so many times in the past that sub consciously I understood where my body was at, what I needed to do (boxes to tick) and how I was feeling. This different approach would ultimately be better for my mental state. As the days and then months passed I slowly but surely picked up my rehab regime; even incorporating and training with my VFL coach (and now close mate Jared Rivers) where we would complete altitude circuit sessions on a weekly basis, the sweat was real but so was the intent and results as the progression of my fitness and strength of the graft in my knee was building as well. Boxes were being ticked all whilst enjoying myself and having a good life balance where work was the priority and rehab was the outlet after a long days work.
Slideshow: Some early photos post surgery with Nurse Koda
In the background of my rehab session and before committing myself towards strengthening my graft and attacking my session with purpose.. one of the main factors (once my mind was ready) that I again delved into a rigorous rehab routine post work and during weekends was the fact that I had committed to a trip to Canada in November of that year with the main aim of wanting to be able to snow board. With my good friends Justin and Elke residing in Canada at the time and both of them being more than capable of snowboarding; this little carrot of a trip away after I had completed a good stint of intense rehab really gave me some effective motivation towards intensely making sure my body was ready to be able to jump on a snowboard and be stable enough to not injure myself.
Photo: Canada w/ Justin & Elke.
From rock climbing to tree surfing (photo with my sister above), intense obstacle courses, hikes and numerous running and agility sessions all under the guidance and assistance of my good friend Ben Shipperd (rehab facilitator at Collingwood) I was able to put in a body of work that would hold me in good stead of my short term goal of wanting to get on a snow board by November. Once over in Canada (I had booked a solo holiday for 3 weeks) it was such a surreal experience to be in a country I had never been to before and experience a different culture all whilst spending quality time with my friends and completing my desire of snowboarding with no consequences – I was rewarded with enjoyment after grinding away for the months in the lead up at work and at rehab. It was the breath of fresh air I needed and was longing for.
Photo: Learning to Snowboard in Calgary, Canada - **Was on my backside for most of it**
Once I had returned from my holiday overseas – again with no reason desire to return to the playing field.. I received a pleasant phone call from the Collingwood VFL GM at the time Chris Dixon with the offer of jumping on board the AFL game day team as the AFL runner for the season. I couldn’t say ‘YES’ quick enough. For me being on an AFL ground was foreign and something that was very much distant as I was mainly playing in the reserves or recovering from injuries.. being apart of an AFL game was something I felt had escaped me and my fate but to even be asked to be apart of the side in any capacity was something I definitely was so grateful for and something I was ecstatic about – perhaps this was a turn of luck or gain of fortune as running alone would be so beneficial towards my ACL rehab and being amongst the playing group and coaches Game Day would be such a surreal feeling as well. Once the season started I was donned the role of delivering messages to and from the bench to the players from the coaches – a responsibility I didn’t take lightly and something I had fun with; as I built rapport with the players and coaches a like – I felt the role also helped me with my communication and leadership skills as well; in turn the role was sub consciously building my hunger to returning to playing in the VFL side as well sub consciously as that season the AFL side was gathering momentum and consistent success as the wins started to build, the comradery of the playing group, coaches and support staff was so strong; it made me miss the game, I feeling I hadn’t had in quite some time. So I set myself again a goal; a Return to play goal.. by mid-year/mid-season I would put on the boots again for the VFL side and get back out on the field with my VFL teammates and try and enjoy the game that I love.
RUNNER PHOTO GALLERY:
Returning to play was never on the agenda as I set out to rehabbing my knee injury initially but through my exposure to football as the Runner on the AFL grounds around the country and being surrounded by the atmosphere of the game being played around me on a weekly basis – I once again had that steely drive behind me of wanting to contribute as a player. Throughout May (2017) I again orchestrated another regime/schedule that I needed to follow, abide by and finally pass – alongside the watchful eye of Ben (Rehab facilitator) and the other Collingwood VFL medical staff so that I could tick the final boxes required in order to get myself out on the field in a playing capacity. The rigours of high intensity training, exposure to physicality and the necessity of be aware of what position my body (knee) was vulnerable in compared to wheat was safe and comfortable were all things I needed to ingrain once again into my playing state so that when I returned to the field I could contribute. That statement alone was something that always fuelled me throughout all of my returns from my ACL injuries – when I stepped back out on the field I wanted to contribute right away and not be a bystander.
My first game back was against Williamstown @ Williamstown oval – never an easy task playing against such a tough opposition but nonetheless I was excited and really happy to be back playing once again. The week leading up I had passed all tests required and thankfully there was a position available in the team that week that I could take up – it was a surreal that I was able to get through another 14 months without playing football but was able to return. I started on the bench my first game back and was on reduced playing time but that did not matter much as I was just eager to get my hands on the ball again; my first steps back on the field, I touched the ground with hands, rubbed them and tried to get myself back into the thick of it as soon as I could. Unfortunately on that day we were unsuccessful as Williamstown were too strong on the day and beat us however regardless of the result it was pleasing that my body was able to withstand the rigours of playing once again and I was able to get through unscathed; on that day I also felt I contributed as best I could and I felt I hadn’t missed a beat, it was nice feeling as though I still had something to offer this sport.
**Please click on the photo link to go through to the article**
As the season progressed, my game time increased and I was able to build some decent form as well as I became more comfortable and confident being out on the field again – the Collingwood VFL team’s season as a whole although inconsistent at times, still warranted a finals appearance which was a nice reward for effort for all the boys who had put in the hard yards throughout the season from both the AFL and VFL lists. Unfortunately our finals run was not sustainable and we were knocked out in the first week of finals to an Essendon team that played a great brand of footy on the day. A disappointing way to end the year as a team but a lot to learn from going into next season.
**Please Click on Picture Link to go to Full Season Article**
Photo: Day after the last game of the season
The week after the VFL season finished I was very much nursing the bumps and bruises I encountered through the final game of the season as I walked my dog (Koda) around an oval on the Monday morning. As my phone rang it was a pleasant call from Nathan Buckley (AFL Coach) with the opportunity to once again be apart of the AFL side’s support team as they were leading into their finals campaign. Once again I couldn’t say ‘YES’ quick enough as the excitement of once again being apart of this journey this season with the AFL side was something I never took for granted and something I always thoroughly enjoyed prior to returning the field for the VFL team in a playing capacity. I was eager to encompass and embrace that role once again for it provided me the passion and provided me light during some tough times through my fourth knee reconstruction. As the AFL side progressed through the season and held on to their winning momentum whilst paying a really good, cohesive brand of football that was attractive to the viewers and hard to play against for the opposition – the Collingwood Football club earned themselves the position of playing off in the Grand Final against the West Coast Eagles; the final stage – winner takes all! I had been exposed to Grand Finals before during my playing career albeit I was watching in the stands and usually recovering from injuries; my time at Hawthorn gave me the fortunate opportunity of watching an era where they had won 3 grand finals in 4 years. This time I was able to be amongst the game and be on the field – such an amazing feeling, I felt my luck had finally turned around; it was a nice story to be building and something I felt I had earned.
The game itself was a wrestle of momentum; the Eagles being such a strong side throughout the season had weathered the early storm the Pies provided early in the match. I, myself had a forgettable moment during the game as the Runner as I accidentally crossed paths with a Collingwood player which lead to a West Coast mark and resulted in a goal; some (definitely at the time a lot) viewed this as a pivotal moment in the game and one of the reasons Collingwood lost the game as they eventually came down to losing by 5 points on the day after a brutal encounter with a number a huge moments in the game (I will elaborate more on this moment in my next blog where I will be touching on my toughest battle with my Mental Health) but for a long time after this game and none more so than directly post-match; the feeling of guilt, betrayal and the want to just hide was just so apparent and something I could not mask – I was so invested in my role.. I loved everything about it but in one instance on the biggest stage of the year I couldn’t help but feel at fault with what had happened. I thought my luck had turned around but life would throw this challenge at me and really test me the days and weeks to come post Grand Final day.
**As mentioned I will go into more detail about this day and the incident in my next Blog – hoping to shed a little more light on the impact it had on a number of things but more so my mental well being and the effects that I still carry from that moment today**
As one season finished another season would soon come to the horizon – next thing I knew; Pre season for the 2019 season dawned and I had to put aside what happened the previous season to focus on the up coming season where I committed myself towards playing for the year for the Collingwood VFL side. It had been a while where I was going into a season injury free and it was refreshing to feel as though my knee was stable and strong enough to endure a full season of playing finally. The one thing that really stood out from that Pre-season/season in general was the fact that I was voted by my peers (and coaches) to captain along my close friend and teammates Jack Hellier who was an absolute legend of the VFL league and definitely a beloved, cult hero of the Collingwood VFL side. To this day I still hold that achievement in high regard and something I will always cherish during my playing time with Collingwood and overall throughout my years of play football.
As Pre season finished up – we were stuck into games once again and the grind of another season commenced. Throughout the 2019 VFL season our side once again battled with consistency as we struggled to play a good brand of footy that could last more than a couple of weeks at best. No fault but our own - the playing group at times seemed to be on different pages but that in some sense was the struggle of having two different lists (AFL and VFL) merging come game day without really training together throughout the week – but nonetheless we should have performed better and more in tune as where we finished on the ladder that season was a true reflection of our performances throughout the year. We missed finals for that season, however we did not deserve a spot in the finals regardless. At our best we were capable of beating really strong, contending sides but on the weeks where we did not perform we would waiver from the common goal/task/mission of game day and let ourselves down – this was a common theme throughout the season and something we were regularly addressing with meetings throughout the week. Again come season’s end there was a lot to address and a lot to learn from.
My season individually and first as captain of the side was one of self learning as well; I felt I tried my best and performed game day as best as I could at times but I also let my teammates down at times through my efforts as at some stages I would try to carry too much of the load or not be willing to adhere to what was needed structure wise during the game which would be more beneficial to the team; my coaches challenged me on this when these moments would arise in games and during reviews and it was something I accepted and was willing to absorb so that I could improve as a player and leader from week to week. I wish I could’ve lead this team to a finals birth but it was not to be.
Grateful for the opportunity to be captain, the final game of the 2019 season would come against Box Hill @ Box Hill City oval, a ground I was all too familiar with from my days playing with Box Hill while being on the Hawthorn list. Unfortunately, on this day I did not realise that this would be the last time I would play football as come the last quarter my right ACL would buckle for the fifth time from being hit after I disposed of the ball, jarring my knee as I landed and rupturing my ACL once again. Admittedly that moment in isolation is one of pure anger pain as I knew what had happened; the want to yell, swear and get my hands on the player that had created the impact were all reflex actions of just my emotion of knowing that my knee had given way once again – in reality the player hadn’t really done anything wrong and those moments are all part of the sport. As the moment settled - I picked my self back up (with the help of the medical staff) and pushed away the stretcher as I wanted to walked off. The standing ovation and cheer from the crowd from supporters of both sides was something I hadn’t really absorbed at the time but definitely something I appreciate now on reflection; the moment itself was strange and the ambience was still as by chance I was walking off having played for both teams and knowing that I was ending my career in front of the two teams I had played for during my professional career.. I think everyone (including myself) knew that that would be my final moment playing football – I had nothing left to give and I was tired of this re-occurring injury that had impacted my playing career so much. After a couple of days I had announced my retirement from the sport via Social Media.
**Please click on the photo link for Full Retirement Post**
Photo: Couple days post 5th ACL repair.
The following days/week were filled with consultations and conversations with medical staff, loved ones and ultimately my surgeon once again. The scans revealed basically what was feared (but I knew at the back of my mind my ACL was ruptured). The final diagnosis was that my ACL was basically 95% severed with a strand still remaining and attached – the route of surgery we would take would ultimately be up to me and whether I wanted to play again.. my decision was final and strong – I was not eager nor did I have interest in returning to play again, in the short term or the long term future. These ACL injuries over the years had brought too much pain and anguish to myself and those closest to me; I simply didn’t want to go through that stress anymore. Come surgery we as a collective decided on cutting out the ruptured portion of the ligament which was 95% of the ACL and leave the remaining strand of ligament in their with the hope that in the years to come that portion of the ligament would thicken and become stronger. This decision was made based on a number of factors: Recovery time was a lot shorter so returning back to work would be quicker as well and in turn not impact my income too greatly, the pain factor would also be a lot less and basically more or less mirror the procedure of a ‘clean out’ and finally my decision of not wanting to play anymore meant that even though the recovery time for the ligament to thicken may take a number of years (if it even occurs) there was no need for me to rush back to high intensity sports. For me this choice was a ‘no brainer’ and an easy decision in the end. Post surgery I moved in with my best friend Jarryd and his lovely wife Hayley for a week to help with my initial immediate recovery post surgery; they have always been like family to me so that was something I always look back on and am grateful for as it allowed me to reflect and be grateful for so much I had going my life regardless of the predicament I was in with my leg raised and my knee needing ice and compression.
I had given my all to this game in a number of ways; I felt my luck was never given, always earned and ultimately it became clear that it was definitely time to close that chapter of my life and focus on other things I was passionate about. I had started a new business (4TITUDE FINANCE) as a Mortgage Broker and had other things I was passionate about in life and wanted to invest time into as well (such as raising my dog Koda). Football was no longer a passion of mine although it provided me with some of the best memories of my life, I was at peace with moving on with my life and trying to create my own luck elsewhere.
FINAL GOODBYE & ACCOLADES:
2019 VFL team of the year
Picture: 2019 VFL Team of the Year, Click on photo for Full Article